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The Buttermilk Village


The 3Js were walking around a forest in Russia. They were supposed to be meeting up with Putin and Medvedev in the Kremlin, but they had gotten lost somewhere around Moscow Mall and taken a path into a forest. A forest that lead to a place called Buttermilk Village.
"So we're lost, yet again. I told you this would happen," Jaap Kwakman said smugly, "Jan can't read a map to save his life! I knew I should have been the one reading it."
"We're not lost, it's fine," Jan said.
"That's what you said last time, and we all got turned into mice!" smiled Jaap de Witte, "Who knows what crazy shit is going to happen this time?"
They looked and saw a sign sticking out from the leaves, it read, 'Buttermilk Village. Classified property of the Russian government.'
"Oh great," said Jaap Kwakman, "Now we've pissed off Russia."
"Quiet Jaap, and look over there," Jan said, pointing to a house in the distance, "A house."
They all went up to the house and looked at it.
A black raven sat up and peeked through the window.
"Hey, there's a bird in there," Jan said.
"Well thanks for that, Captain Obvious," said Jaap Kwakman, "Hey, why don't we use our Doctor Dolittle powers and talk to it?"
"Sounds great," said Jaap de Witte.
Jan tapped on the glass slightly.
"Hello?" Jan said, "Hello? Little bird?"
"Hello I am Pechkin the mailman, here to deliver your mail!" the little bird tweeted, flapping its wings as it did so.
"Yeah, err..." Jan said, "Is there anyone else in the house?"
"Hello! Hello! Hello!" the bird repeated.
Suddenly, the door on the house opened.
"Well," came a boy's voice, "Come over here, you three."
They went to the door and saw that there was a boy, a grey cat, and a brown dog looking up at them.
"Uh... so... hello...." the boy said, "Sorry about Pechkin, we're only just teaching him to talk."
"Who is this, Fedor?" the cat asked.
"I don't know Matroskin," said the boy, "But let's find out."
"Probably just tourists," said the dog.
"Sharik, you know as well as I do that there aren't tourists to Buttermilk Village," Fedor smiled, "The Russian government make sure of it."
"You can talk to animals too?!" Jan said, "But that means... there are others like us?!"
"Huh... Matroskin... Sharik..." Fedor said, "These guys... you can talk to animals too?"
"Yes," said Jaap de Witte, "We can."
"Amazing," Matroskin said, "I've never seen anyone else with your ability before, Fedor..."
"Let me guess," Fedor smiled, "Russian government got you too?"
"Er... no," Jan said, "It was the Dutch government that got us."
"Huh... so... are there more of us... all over the world?" Fedor asked, looking shocked, "Do you think... that we're not the only ones out there?"
"Well, there was this German guy with us too," said Jaap de Witte, "Farin Urlaub. He had been transformed into an animal and then back again by the German government..."
"So there are even more than this..." Fedor said.
"Wow, this is great!" said Matroskin, "You're not alone after all!"
"I was never alone, Matroskin," Fedor smiled, "Not with you guys with me!"
"Hmm.... Farin Urlaub..." Sharik said, "Hey, I've heard of him! I think we've heard about him on the radio, he's the one who went nuts and killed all his band members and shit."
"No little dog," said Jaap Kwakman, "He didn't do anything to that band! They were all turned into animals too!"
"Alright alright, calm down Dutchie. And my name is Sharik, not little dog."
"Well whatever," Jan said, "Farin Urlaub is a very good friend of ours."
"A very good friend?" Jaap Kwakman laughed, "Ha, we only saw him that one time. And he was a right nutter! A complete hippie."
"Sounds like an interesting character," said Matroskin.
"Yeah, he was. Anyway," Jan said, "We're looking to get to the Kremlin?"
"Oh yes," Fedor smiled, "We're in the Kremlin all the time, Putin loves us to impress him with my animal speech abilities."
"Yes, it's really good," Sharik said, "The whole Kremlin loves us!"
"Yeah!" Matroskin said, "We know where the Kremlin is, very well!"
The cat walked over to the door.
"Fedor," Matroskin said, "If you please."
"Ah yes, of course," Fedor said, as he went to open the door.
----
The 3Js were now standing in front of the Kremlin.
Jan went up to the large red door and knocked on it. A few minutes passed in silence.
"Maybe no one's home," said Jaap Kwakman.
"It's the Kremlin, someone has to be home," said Jan.
"Yes, who is it?" a voice called from inside the Kremlin. It was Dmitri Medvedev.
"Hello, it's us, the 3Js," said Jaap de Witte, "You requested us to come here."
"Hmm... the 3Js... yes, yes... very well..."
----
Medvedev walked into the main room, where Putin was sitting on a shiny throne.
"Well," Medvedev said, "Here we are! Say hello to Putin!"
"Hello," said all of the 3Js.
"Who is it now?" Putin asked, not looking up from his throne, "The three from Buttermilk Village and their little black bird?"
"No," said Medvedev, "It's those Dutch ones you requested to come over."
Putin looked up.
"I didn't say Dutch! I said Danes!"
"What?! You mean 'A Friend In London'? The supporters of Terry Wogan's dictatorship regime?!"
"Well if they support his regime," Putin smiled, "Then they'll support mine as well... ah well... I suppose these Dutch ones you've invited shall have to do, good job, Medvedev."
Suddenly, there was a knock at the wooden door.
"Hello?" Putin asked, "Who is there?"
"It's us, A Friend In London!" said Tim as he and his bandmates waited outside the door.
"Now, just hang on a minute," said Putin, "So you got both 3Js and A Friend In London?"
"I... guess so..." said Medvedev, "Oh well, two bands are better than one, I guess!"
"Yes Medvedev, very true, very true," said Putin, "Now, you lot, we have a Eurovision theme on one of the biggest Russian talk shows tonight, and we were wondering if you  two bands would like to perform for us in this show for us... and maybe increase your Eurovision points from Russia by a lot!"
"Wow, sure!" said Jaap de Witte, "What do you think, guys?"
"Sounds great!" said Jan.
"Yeah," said Jaap Kwakman, "But we expect some points from Russia after this!"
"Hey wait a minute," said Jaap de Witte, "I don't think Russia is in our semi final, so they can't give points to us in the semi..."
"Yes, that may be true, but," Putin said, "If you make it to the final, and we think you will, you will be guaranteed points from Russia!"
"Ah, in that case then, sure!" Jan said, "We'll do it, right guys!"
"Yeah!" said the two Jaaps together.
"Excellent," Putin said, "Most excellent... now... a Friend In London..."
"Well," said Aske, "We've already come all this way, we might as well do what we were invited to do here..."
"However, like the 3Js, were are in the second semi final," said Sebastian, "While Russia is in the first..."
"Yeah," said Esben, "But we'll make it to the final, right?! We have to believe!"
"Ok, we have decided," said Tim, "Most of us are agreed... we will do it!"
"Excellent, most excellent!" Putin smiled, "The Eurovision theme of our talk show will be complete with actual Eurovision bands from this year performing! 12 points from Russia to all of you!"
----
And so the Russian talk show went well, with the crowd loving both the 3Js and A Friend In London. Afterwards, the two bands sat in the green room, as the Russian talk show people talked about how much they liked the performances and also about the Eurovision in general.
"I hope no more weird stuff happens in the Eurovision," said Jaap Kwakman, "We haven't even got to the semi finals yet and Eurovision has been the cause of a lot of crazy stuff."
"But you know that the Eurovision should go well now... right?" Jan asked, "I mean, with all the crazy stuff that's happened to us so far, the Digimon Crisis, the mice thing, Narnia, De Toppers going crazy, the Flemish seperatists... surely there isn't anything weird left that could happen to us, right? Surely, the Eurovision will go by without any more lunacy."
"Huh..." said Tim, "So much stuff seems to happen to you lot, I wish we were having more of a Eurovision adventure!"
"Uh, no you don't," said Jaap de Witte, "Believe me!"
"Yeah we do!" said Esben, "But don't worry Tim, the closer we get to the Eurovision final the closer the adventure day is! I'm sure something amazing will happen!"
"Oh, don't say that," said Aske, "Or it'll be another 2010 with some nutter turning the once peaceful contest into some weird thing..."
"Once peaceful contest?!" Sebastian asked, "You need to look at the history of the Eurovision mate, almost every year has had something weird happen. Remember Franco's tank battle, for instance? Or the Georgian Army invading the 2009 contest? 2010 was something strange, but it's not unusual for strange things to happen in the Eurovision. I'm sure something weird will happen in this Eurovision Song Contest, but don't worry, all the past Eurovision entrants have succeeded in their adventures, and I'm sure that we will do the same."
"When you put it that way..." Jan said, "Yes, I'm sure that we too will complete our Eurovision adventure."
"It seems that no matter what happens, no one can ever stop the Eurovision, ever," Tim said, "And I like it that way. We should all be looking forward, forward to the Eurovision Song Contest!"
And so they all thought about the things that could happen in the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest, wondering what adventure would be awaiting the 2011 entrants of Europe's favourite, and strangest, song contest.
The End.