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Jailbreak Ukraine


It was a warm day in Ukraine, and Alyosha was in Kiev Park, the most peaceful place in all of Ukraine. Alyosha smiled. They seemed to have gotten away with the Moscow Mall incident, the Russian police had given up on searching the mall, and it was generally agreed that it wasn't that bad of a crime anyway.
Alyosha stood on the bridge that was over the pond, and threw bread to the ducks below.
"Oh hey Alyosha," said a voice from behind her. It was Vasyl Lazarovych.
"Hey, Vasyl! What a coincidence running into you here!" Alyosha smiled.
"I know, right, hey, who are they over there?" Vasyl pointed into the distance at a police car.
Suddenly, they both saw that a lot of policemen were walking around the park.
"Looks like something bad might have happened," Vasyl said, looking around at the police.
"Bad things don't happen around these parts," Alyosha said, "Well, usually, anyway."
And she was right, Ukraine was usually very peaceful these days. They were shocked to see the policemen going back to their cars and putting guns in their pockets, and even more shocked when they approached them and started to surround the two.
"Hello, can we help you, officers?" Vasyl said.
"You can help us by giving up! Now give yourself up!" one of the policemen yelled, "We know you did that shit at Moscow Mall, the Russian police found evidence! And now that we know, it puts Ukraine in a very bad light."
"Oh no," Alyosha thought, "They've found out... but... how?"
"What are you talking about?!" Vasyl asked.
"We found a Ukrainian Eurovision sticker," the policeman growled, "In the Moscow Mall. Only our Eurovision entrants were given such stickers..."
"Oh no," Alyosha thought, "I'm going to get arrested!"
She prepared herself for the worst, so she was very surprised when the policemen approached Vasyl and slapped handcuffs on him instead.
"W..W..Wait a second!" Vasyl yelled, "What are you doing?!"
"Vasyl Lazarovich, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."
"What are you doing?! I haven't done anything!!"
"Yes you have, and you're coming with us!"
And the police officer lead Vasyl away.
"Hey!" Alyosha ran after them, "Where are you taking him?!"
"To the police station," the police officer yelled, "Don't come any closer or we will arrest you too!"
And then the police officer put Vasyl into his car, and all the policemen got in their respective cars and drove away, leaving Alyosha standing by herself in the empty park.
She got her mobile phone from her pocket and rang Sofia.
"Sofia Sofia!" she yelled, "Someone's been arrested for the Moscow Mall thing!"
"Who, you?"
"No, not me!!! How could I be phoning you if I was arrested?!"
"Yeah, whatever," Sofia laughed, "So they arrested someone who isn't us! Isn't that great?"
"Sofia no," Alyosha said, "Vasyl's my friend. I can't have him be arrested for something I did."
"Wait... what? Ah, leave it Alyosha, what's the worst that could happen to him?"
"Don't be like that! I can't just leave him there, I'm going to go and get him!"
"Alyosha noooo! At least phone the others first, god damn it and don't-"
Alyosha pressed the 'hang up' button on the phone.
"Well," Alyosha said, "Maybe I should ring the others..."
The first person she called was Czesy.
"Hello, this is Czesy calling, who is this?"
"Hey Czesy," Alyosha said, "This is Alyosha. Uhm... I have... a problem..."
"A problem? What?"
"Ok, so there's this guy, Vasyl, only, he's been arrested for the Moscow Mall thing."
"What? Arrested!? No way! They dropped that case ages ago!"
"Yeah, they did, but the Ukrainian police picked it up again after the Russians found a Ukrainian Eurovision sticker."
"A Ukrainian... what? Was it your sticker?"
"Yeah," Alyosha said, "It was my sticker. And now Vasyl's been arrested for it and I don't know what to do!"
"Well, you could go to the police station and get him the hell out of there, for a starter... erm... you know how valued you are in Ukraine because of the PVR thing, right? They won't arrest you. I promise."
"I'll... I'll give it a shot... thanks Czesy."
And so Alyosha hung up her phone and put it into her pocket, and made her way to the police station.
---
"What is this?! I... I haven't done anything!" Vasyl yelled, "Please, please let me go!"
"No," the police officer snarled, "We have the evidence that the Russian police found, right here!"
And the police officer brought out a small plastic see-through bag from his pocket. Inside it there was a tiny heart shaped sticker with the Ukrainian flag on it. It was the Ukrainian Eurovision logo.
"Only people who signed up to try to be Ukraine's Eurovision entry have these stickers!"
"So what?" Vasyl said, "That could have been any of the other contestants! I wasn't even in Russia!"
"Yeah, nice try. So then, let's hear your excuse, where were you on the 14th November?"
"What... I don't know! I don't remember! I was uh..."
"See, I think you were in Moscow Mall. You were in Moscow Mall, weren't you?"
"No! Stop it! Obviously I was here, in Ukraine!" Vasyl yelled, "This little sticker is not evidence. Do you have any fingerprints, any CCTV?"
"No," the policeman said, "But if we did we could be sure it would be you who was the culprit!"
"For the last time, I was not 'the culprit', it wasn't me!"
Suddenly, Alyosha burst into the room.
"He's right!" Alyosha yelled, "It wasn't him! It was me! I was behind the Moscow Mall incident!"
"What?!" Vasyl said, shocked.
The police officer sighed.
"We... we knew already, Alyosha," the police officer smiled, "But we aren't going to blame you, so don't worry. You are too beloved in Ukraine, it would ruin our country's image forever if people thought our very own PVR hero was involved in something like this... even though it wasn't that important...."
"Well you are not blaming Vasyl either!" Alyosha said.
"Well, someone has to be blamed," the police officer growled.
"Then blame that dumb British chef who was chasing Peter around!"
"No Alyosha... wait... actually that may not be such a bad idea after all..."
"There, you see?" Alyosha smiled, "Britain were making the whole thing up. Britain's dictatorship were trying to put the blame on Ukraine!"
"Damn Brits!" the police officer yelled, "It's much better! A Ukrainian national isn't blamed, and we can put the whole thing on Britain!"
"Can... can I go now?" Vasyl asked.
"Er, sure," the police officer said, "Sorry to have bothered you."
"That's ok."
"Hooray, let's go!" Alyosha smiled, and the two of them turned to leave.
"Just one thing before you go, Alyosha," the police officer said.
"Yes, what's that?"
"Don't do anything as silly as that again, ok?"
"Er, fine," Alyosha said, as Alyosha and Vasyl left the police station and walked out onto the Ukrainian streets outside.
---
"Phew, we got out of that one," Vasyl smiled, "Thanks Alyosha."
"No problem, lucky us, eh?"
"Yes... one question though Alyosha, were you really there at the Moscow Mall incident?"
"Y...yes..."
"Yes?!"
"Yes, I was there, there were a few of us in Russia at the time... the Moscow Mall was perfect..."
"But.... how? What? Why?"
"Well, it was great fun," Alyosha smiled, "Spraying everyone and such. You should come with us the next time we do it!"
"There's going to be a next time?" Vasyl asked.
"Yes, well... probably, I don't know, it would have to be arranged like that last one was," Alyosha said, "But if there is, you're invited!"
"Even after what that guy said?"
"Come on, the police can't do anything to us after what happened in the PVR. Not to mention that everyone in Ukraine loves Eurovision so much... there would be a nationwide scandal if anything were to happen!"
"Even so, what I don't understand is... why? Why did you do it?"
"Well," Alyosha said,"Everyone else was doing it."
"That's no excuse, you shouldn't have let those Russians talk you into things, we're Ukraine, we're past that now."
"Well actually only Peter was Russian but he was also talked into it. It was Sofia's idea. Czesy was with us too..."
"It took four of you to do all that?" Vasyl laughed.
"Yes, we'd been planning it for ages. Well, three of us had, Peter just joined us at the last minute."
"Oh Alyosha, you're so silly. Planning for such silliness."
"Come on, only I got caught, and besides, I'm going to be let off the hook for it. You see Vasyl, that's the good thing about taking part in the Eurovision Song Contest, the police let you get away with anything," Alyosha smiled.
"Well, maybe not quite anything," Vasyl laughed, "But if you really see it that way..."
"Come on Vasyl," Alyosha said, "The world is opening up to a new era! The era of Eurovision!"
"That's insane," Vasyl said, "The Eurovision is just a tv show, there's no way it can hold the importance that you say it will..."
"Come on, we're practially worshipped by everyone, think about it," Alyosha smiled, "Who else would have gotten away with that so easily?"
"You have a point, no one else could have done that," Vasyl said, looking out into the dark blue sky, "Anyway, I've got to thank you, again, for your help today, even though I guess you caused the problem in the first place..."
"Oh well, thanks, I guess," Alyosha laughed, and Vasyl laughed too.
The End.