Escape From The Island
In the sky, a helicopter flew, far away over the sea, nearby was an island. An island that no one had touched for decades.
"And welcome back to Wetten Dass," Thomas Gottschalk spoke into the camera, "And thus we return to the helicopter. If you've only just joined us, well, I'm joined here by Dieter Bohlen and Wolfgang Petry, who have both agreed to parachute out of this helicopter. What do you guys think back at the studio? Will they do it?"
"No way!" came a voice from the pilot.
"That's very reassuring," Gottschalk smiled.
"Hey," Dieter said, "Of course we'll do it! We're not just about to chicken out of the biggest show on German television!"
Wolfgang then put the parachute pack on his back.
"Well, I'll do it too," Wolfgang smiled, "Of course I will. I trust mother nature enough to see me down safely. And the parachute, of course."
"And I certainly won't be outdone by some hippy," Dieter said, and he also started to put on a parachute pack, "So I'll do it too."
Gottschalk grabbed a parachute pack as well.
"You're not coming with us, are you Gottschalk?" Wolfgang smiled.
"Hahaha, no, I just wanted to know what wearing one of these things felt like, I could never bring myself to jump out of a plane."
"We're in a helicopter, Gottschalk," Wolfgang smiled.
"Y..yeah, whatever," Gottschalk put on the parachute pack.
They were now all wearing parachute bags on their backs.
"Hahaha, it feels pretty funny, actually," Gottschalk said.
Suddenly, something hit the side of the helicopter, resulting in a large bang.
Then another bang as the helicopter was hit again and the helicopter shook.
"What the hell was that?!" Dieter yelled.
The red light on the camera that was filming them suddenly flashed a couple of times, before turning off altogether.
The lights in the cockpit were flashing too, and a soft buzz could be heard from somewhere on the helicopter. The three of them were close enough to the cockpit that they could see all of this.
"Holy shit, what's going on?" Dieter jumped up from his seat.
"Nothing, nothing, I assure you that everything here is perfectly safe..." Gottschalk tried to sound convinced by his own words.
"Are we... over the Bermuda Triangle, perhaps?" Wolfgang suggested.
"No, we're flying by Austria somewhere, look, everything's going to be fine," Gottschalk said, looking out of the window.
The helicopter was flying lower and lower.
"It's just another episode of Wetten Dass... what could possibly go wrong?" Wolfgang thought to himself as the helicopter shuddered again.
There was an island below them, and the helicopter blades began to hit trees on the way down.
"Hey, why is the helicopter flying so low?" Wolfgang asked.
"Surely this must be... part of the show, or something?" Dieter asked, as the helicopter started to make a funny whirring noise.
"I..I... I'm sure everything's fine," Gottschalk said, but he sounded paniced.
The pilot then started to speak into his radio.
"Mayday! Mayday!" he started shouting, "Oh god, there's something wrong with the helicopter!"
"What do you mean 'something' wrong!!!! You're a pilot!!! Fix it!!!" Dieter started shouting.
Suddenly, the blades on the helicopter got caught in the branches of the trees and the door on the helicopter flew open, sucking Gottschalk out of the helicopter.
"GOTTSCHALK!!!" Wolfgang yelled, before the helicopter smashed into the side of a cliff.
When Dieter woke up he was on a sandy beach, surrounded by pieces of twisted blue and grey metal from the helicopter.
"And I think that concludes todays episode of Wetten Dass," Dieter said, standing up from the helicopter wreck, and then bending down over the wreckage, "Wolfgang? You in here somewhere, Wolfie?"
"Mmmm...," came a reply.
And so Dieter moved some of the wreckage, and, lying there, was Wolfgang Petry.
"Hey Dieter," Wolfgang smiled faintly, "Looks like those parachutes didn't help at all, huh?"
"Yeah," Dieter said, "You alright Wolfie?"
"Oh, yeah I'm fine," Wolfgang stood up and dusted himself off, "But whatever happened to Gottschalk and the pilot?"
"I suspect the pilot is somewhere in all this wreckage, and... Gottschalk... well, I fear the worst has happened to him."
"Dieter no! You can't say such a thing!"
"I'm sorry Wolfie, but, it's probably the truth, look, if there's any possibility that Gottschalk is alive then we will find him, but for now, we've got to concentrate on getting off from this island, and first, look for the pilot."
But as they looked at the wreckage, they saw something sticking up from one of the pieces of metal.
"Shit... is that... an arrow?" Dieter asked, looking at the long wooden structure that was sticking up from the metal, "Jesus, what type of wood is that made from? It's pierced the metal!"
"That must be what we got hit with," Wolfgang said, "And also what brought us down. There must be... a tribe or something living here."
"Why the hell are you so damn calm all the time?!" Dieter yelled, "Look what they did to the helicopter! God only knows what they'll do to us!"
They then moved all the pieces of metal that lay scattered about, but there was no sign of the pilot.
"Where's the fucking pilot?!" Dieter shouted.
"Dieter, keep it down, please," Wolfgang whispered, "The tribe, they might hear-"
"Keep it down?!" Dieter said, "They'll already have heard us because of this fucking helicopter crash!"
Then, they heard a noise from the distance. People were running over to them, chanting and holding shields and spears.
"Fuck!" Dieter said, "Quick! Run!"
And they both ran from the edge of the beach and into a forest nearby, running until they hid behind some bushes.
"Shit," Dieter whispered, "Do you think we've lost them?"
"I think so," Wolfgang whispered back, but they were proven wrong when a strange green gas started to fill the place.
"Wait," Wolfgang said, "W...What's that?!"
"I...I don't know," Dieter coughed, "Wolfie, what the hell is this stuff?"
But Wolfgang was already lying on the floor.
"Oh fuck," Dieter said, as he too fell to the ground.
When the two woke up they were both tied to a post, back to back, they could see wooden huts all around them, with people chanting and talking in an unfamiliar language walked around the city.
"Dieter," Wolfgang whispered, "You awake?"
"Uhh... y...yeah," Dieter woke up, looking around at the village, "What the fuck!??!! Why are we tied up here! Let us go you fucking savages!"
"Dieter, Dieter, quiet a little bit, ok?" Wolfgang said, "Don't draw attention to us when we're sitting over here all tied up and defenceless."
"Shut the fuck up you fucking pansy!" Dieter yelled, "Fuck!!! You're so fucking complacent! Shit! Let us out of here now you fuckers!!!!"
"You're not really helping the situation you know," Wolfgang sighed, "You know, I wish I was tied to Gottschalk instead of you."
"Well of course you would, you flaming homo," Dieter snapped, "Always 'at one with mother nature', well, why don't you get nature to save us now?"
"You know I can't-" Wolfgang began, but then Dieter started shouting.
"Let us go! Untie us now!" Dieter yelled, "Do you people have any idea who I am?!"
"Of course I know," Wolfgang said, "You're Dieter Bohlen, but are you really expecting these people to know that? They're a tribe, for god sake!"
The tribe began to light a fire nearby.
"Why are they lighting a fire?" Wolfgang asked.
"Fuck should I know?" Dieter snapped, "Probably to cook us or something, fucking savages."
"Alright, alright, let's calm down a second..."
"Calm down, you calm the fuck down!"
"I am calm Dieter..."
"I know you are! You're too fucking calm! Fuck! We're tied up here in the middle of nowhere, and you shake that shit off like a dog shakes off water!"
"It's not like that," Wolfgang sighed, "Come on Dieter, you know I'm just as scared right now as you are."
"Bullshit," Dieter said.
Just then, one of the tribesmen walked up to Wolfgang.
"Uh... hello there," Wolfgang said.
"Hooga dooga!" the tribesman said, jumping up and down.
"Uh... yeah... uhm... I know the answer is probably going to be no, but do you speak English? Or German? Or anything that we could communicate in?" Wolfgang asked.
"Tanger flurger," the tribesman just talking in his strange language and walked off.
"No wait!" Wolfgang yelled, "Come back!"
"It's useless you fucking pansy," Dieter said, "We're doomed now. This is all Gottschalk's fault and yet he gets to sit out of it."
"You just said he was dead a while ago! That's not exactly sitting out of it!"
Meanwhile, in the forest full of trees, Gottschalk woke up, the parachute back still on his back, with the parachute open.
"Wha-?" Gottschalk stood up and looked around at the forest, "Where in the hell is this place? Oh no, where's the helicopter gone!"
He walked around the forest for a while.
"Ah damn it," he muttered to himself, "They've gone and left me, where in the hell could they be-"
He stopped when he reached the forest clearing and looked out. There, he saw it. The helicopter. Or, what was left of the helicopter, anyway.
"Nooo!" he yelled, running over to the wreckage, frantically looking around for any survivors.
"No no no, this can't be," he thought, "They... they can't all be dead..."
"NO!" he yelled again, while he flipped over the pieces of metal, but then he heard a noise in the distance.
It was people shouting.
"Who is that?" Gottschalk said, "Dieter? Wolfgang?"
But then he saw, it was a tribe of people, hunting a wild pig that had ran out on the beach trying to get away from them, the people laughed as they kicked it to the ground and surrounded it.
Gottschalk wondered if he should go up to them and ask for help, they would either be friendly, or he would end up like the animal they had just hunted.
He backed off into the forest, walking through the woods.
It wasn't that much later when he came to a village. Then, he heard voices. It was Dieter and Wolfgang!
He ran over to the place where they were tied.
"Shit! You guys are alright!" Gottschalk yelled.
"Hey, Gottschalk," Dieter said, "Don't usually hear you swearing, get over here!"
"The tribe here have gone out hunting," Wolfgang said.
"I know," Gottschalk said, "I just saw them."
"Fucking hell Gottschalk, get us out of here already!" Dieter was getting annoyed.
And so Gottschalk grabbed a nearby rock and bashed at the ropes with it, but he was getting nowhere.
"You really are fucking useless, you know that?" Dieter said, "Try rubbing the rock over the rope."
And so Gottschalk did that and soon the rope snapped and both Wolfgang and Dieter were freed.
"Let's get out of here," Wolfgang said as the three ran deep into the forest.
"Ok ok ok," Dieter said, "Now, how do we get out of here?"
"Well," Gottschalk said, "You know how all helicopters have a satellite phone? If it wasn't destroyed in the crash we could go out and get it."
"Gottschalk, you're a genius!" Dieter said.
"The helicopter is completely smashed to pieces," Wolfgang said, "And how are we going to go out there with that tribe on the loose?"
"Gee Wolfgang," Gottschalk said, "And I thought you were the happy one."
"Not happy, Gottschalk," Wolfgang said, "Just a realist, that's all."
They walked around in the forest for a while.
"A...Are we lost?" Dieter asked.
"No no!" Gottschalk said, "We're not lost, the helicopter was right over, uhm... ok, we're lost."
"Fuck," Dieter said.
"This is pretty serious, you know how I know this is serious?" Wolfgang asked.
"How?" Gottschalk said.
"You haven't mentioned the PVR yet, pokemon and all that," Wolfgang said.
"Oh yeah," Dieter said angrily, "Always harping on about your gym badges and your fucking electrabuzz. Fuck."
"Not to mention he isn't saying 'thus' all the time like usual," Wolfgang added.
"There's no time to talk about all that now," Gottschalk said, "I don't say 'thus' all the time and I haven't even thought about that game since we crashed."
"Good," Dieter snapped, "Maybe you can stay in the real world for a little while longer and get us the fuck out of here, this is your fault, after all."
"Dieter, can you stop complaining?" Wolfgang said.
"Well what do you want me to do?" Dieter snapped, "Have a song and dance about it and pretend that everything's A-OK? Well it's not, ok? We're fucked! If it wasn't for Gottschalk and Wetten fucking Dass, we wouldn't even be in this mess!"
"Dieter, please," Wolfgang said, "Ranting and raving isn't going to do any good."
"Neither is standing around here, walking around like lemons," Dieter yelled, "With that fucking tribe on the loose, probably searching for us now, while we're in the middle of god knows where!"
"I'm aware of that," Wolfgang said, "That's why we're finding a way out of here."
"Come on you two," Gottschalk said, "We've got to find a way-"
"We would be finding a way out of here, but you got us fucking lost!" Dieter yelled.
"Hey, look!" Wolfgang said, "There's the exit there!"
"Yeah, see? Here's the beach!" Gottschalk said, "Just like I said!"
"'Just like you said', fuck off, you got us lost!" Dieter yelled.
"Alright, alright, calm down," Gottschalk was about to go out of the forest to the helicopter wreckage, when he was grabbed back by Wolfgang.
"Gottschalk you fool!" Wolfgang said, "Listen first, before you go wandering off! Those hunters may still be out there!"
"Well they will be there now, won't they?" Gottschalk whispered, "Now that you've just shouted all over the forest!"
"See what I mean, Gottschalk," Dieter hissed, "Wolfgang always ruins everything!"
"No, you always ruin everything, you stupid moron!" Wolfgang yelled back.
"You know what," Gottschalk said, as he casually strolled into the beach, and up to the helicopter wreckage, "They may be here somewhere but I don't give a crap. This is our ticket out of here."
And with that, Gottschalk flipped over one of the pieces of metal, revealing the satellite phone underneath.
"Well," Gottschalk said triumphantly, holding the satellite phone in his hand, "That was lucky. See? Here it is!"
But his celebration was short lived as a net enclosed around him and he was now dangling from a net in a tree.
"Hahahahaha," Dieter was laughing.
"Shut up and get me down from here!" Gottschalk yelled.
"Now now Gottschalk, there's no fun in that," Dieter smiled, but he was then interrupted by the sound of the tribe hunting yet again somewhere in the distance.
"Get me down, get me down, get me down!"
"Calm down Gottschalk," Wolfgang said, as he started to pull the net from the tree, "You don't want to attract their attention now, do you?"
Soon the net from completely disconnected from the tree and Gottschalk shook it off.
"There, now, see?" Wolfgang, "Now, about that satellite phone..."
Gottschalk began pressing buttons on it.
"It won't switch on," he said, pressing the buttons on the front of it.
"That's because you don't know how to work the damn thing," Dieter said, "Here, toss it here!"
And Gottschalk gave Dieter the phone, but, he too, couldn't work it.
"Maybe we need to be like, higher up, for a signal," Wolfgang said.
"Wolfie I don't think satellite phones work that wa-"
"Yes they do Dieter!" Wolfgang yelled, "Anyway, look over there, there's a hill there! Surely at the top of that we can get a signal."
"Why do we have to go up there?" Dieter said.
"And surely there won't be a signal anywhere on this island?" Gottschalk asked, but Wolfgang had already started climbing the hill.
"God damn it Wolfie!" Dieter yelled, running after him.
"Guess I've got to follow them, then," Gottschalk thought, as the three of them began walking up the hill.
"You got a signal yet?" Dieter asked, looked at Wolfgang pressing buttons on the satellite phone.
"You got a signal yet?"
"How about now?"
"Got a signal now?"
"For the last time Dieter, no! I do not have a signal! For god sake!"
"Ha," Gottschalk thought, "Even Wolfgang can be put into a rage by Dieter."
"You got a signal now?"
"No Dieter! If I get a signal, I'll tell you, alright?"
They were on the top of the hill now, and there were some strange grey shapes through the trees.
"Hey... are those... buildings?" Gottschalk asked, looking through the trees.
"They sure look like it," Wolfgang said, "Modern buildings!"
The three of them ran into the space where the buildings where.
"What is this?" Wolfgang asked.
"It looks... a lot like the government research places they have back in Germany," Gottschalk, "But... why would they be doing research here?"
"Yes I'm on an island somewhere, and yes, I'm all by myself!" a voice came from one of the buildings.
"Hey, who's that?" Dieter said as the three of them went inside.
"It's the pilot!" Gottschalk yelled, as the pilot opened his mouth in shock.
"Ch..ch...change that to four, four survivors," the pilot said into the radio in front of him.
"Four survivors?" the voice on the other end said, "Very well."
"What the hell?" Dieter yelled, "You abandoned us!"
"What?!!!" the pilot yelled, "I didn't abandon you! What the hell was I supposed to think, waking up after a helicopter crash all by myself? I thought you all were dead!"
"Look, look, people please," Wolfgang said, "It's alright now, we've got someone on the line, right?"
"There's someone on the line, yes," the pilot said, "They've sent a helicopter over."
"Oh great," Gottschalk said, "Another freaking helicopter..."
"I know, I know," the pilot said.
"What's your name anyway, pilot?" Gottschalk asked.
"Andrei. Andrei Stefanescu," the pilot replied.
"That's a long name you've got there," Dieter said.
"Well of course it is, I'm Romanian," Andrei said, rolling his eyes.
"But... wait... hold on a minute..." Wolfgang said, "What if the tribe take down the next helicopter too?"
"What tribe?" Andrei asked.
"There were spears and crap in the helicopter," Wolfgang said, "That's what brought us down. They came from a tribe not far from here."
"Shit," Andrei said, "We better warn them."
"No!" Dieter said, "They might not send a helicopter if they know about that!"
"Well shit Dieter," Wolfgang said, "It's good to know that you care about others. We should tell them, by the way, they're not just going to leave us here because of it."
But it was too late as they could already hear the sound of a helicopter swooshing outside.
"Oh, crap," Wolfgang said.
The four of them all ran out to the helicopter.
"Hey, hey!" Dieter yelled, as the helicopter landed on the hill.
"Hey, you four," a voice yelled from inside the helicopter, "Hop aboard right now!"
And they did as they were told.
"You should know though," Wolfgang said to the new pilot, "That there is a tribe down there, they throw arrows and other stuff at us! That's what crashed the first helicopter."
"Fucking hell!" the new pilot yelled, "Why didn't you tell us that in the first place? Then we could have sent a reinforced helicopter!"
"It was Andrei who was on the phone to you," Gottschalk said, "He didn't know."
"Sorry," Andrei said.
"Bah, I guess I'll just have to fly through it then," the pilot said.
They heard shouting coming back from the island as the helicopter hovered above the sandy beach. The four of them looked out the window while the pilot concentrated trying to fly out of there. They could see the tribe below, standing on the beach, picking up rocks, twigs and anything else nearby and hurling it at the helicopter.
Suddenly, clank clank clank. There were objects hitting the side of the helicopter.
"Shit," Dieter said, "It's that tribe again!"
"Oh no," the pilot said, "Looks like I'll have to dodge around them."
And the helicopter moved from side to side, twirling around in all directions.
"What the hell are you doing!?" Andrei yelled, "Y...You're going to crash!"
"I'm not going to crash, because I'm more skilled a pilot than you," the pilot answered coldly, before swooping up into the sky and setting course for Germany.
"Wait a second," Wolfgang said, "Why were there buildings like that on a native tribal island?"
"...That is none of your concern," the pilot growled.
The helicopter flew over the water, and soon, a city could be seen in the distance.
"Berlin?" Gottschalk asked.
"Frankfurt," said the pilot, as the helicopter started to lower itself.
Soon, they were over an airport, and the helicopter landed on one of the landing pads, and it came to a stop.
"I...I...I never thought we would see this place again," Wolfgang said, stepping out of the helicopter, and looking at the city lights around him.
The others, too, got out of the helicopter.
"Oh my god!" Dieter said, "I'd kiss the ground if I wasn't surrounded by all you people. I love you all by the way, I love you pilot, you Gottschalk, you Wolfie, and you, that guy from Todomondo."
"My name is Andrei," Andrei said, slightly annoyed.
Gottschalk smiled, they had finally arrived home.
But their celebration was short lives as reems of television reporters and flashing camera flooded out from the airport, walking up to where they were.
"Ah geez," Gottschalk said, turning around to see the mass media coming over, "I guess that they're here for us."
"Well no shit Sherlock," Dieter said.
"People please," Andrei said, "This isn't the time for interviews."
"Nah come on Andrei," Wolfgang said, "We've got this. This'll be easy compared to what we just did."
And so they were all walked into the airport and were then interviewed for a while, until it was decided that enough was enough and the reporters went home.
The pilot of the new helicopter had gone too, leaving the four of them standing alone in the empty airport.
"Well... that was... hey are we gonna be on TV?" Andrei asked.
"Yes Andrei, we'll be on TV, are you happy now?" Dieter said.
"Well... no but... I mean, at least we get something out of it, right?" Andrei smiled.
"Forget it Andrei," Wolfgang said, "Dieter's just a big meanie, leave him alone Dieter."
"Come on you guys," Gottschalk said, "We better get out of this airport before it closes."
And so the four of them left the airport.
"Well?" Dieter asked, "What now?"
"We go home silly," Wolfgang said, "Weren't you listening? They've got taxis waiting for us, you know."
"Oh, alright then," Dieter said, "Then... I guess this is... goodbye for now?"
"Only for now," Wolfgang smiled, "After we've been through all that, there's no way we can't keep in touch."
"Well, see you three then," Gottschalk said.
"See you," Andrei waved.
"You guys are the best," Gottschalk said, "And with that I bid you all adieu."
And so the four of them parted ways, ready for their journeys home.